I have battled a great deal with my disability. I am battling with it now. Having been sighted for most of my life, then going completely blind, my brain is doing some funny stuff. Since my eyes were removed, I developed non-24 disorder, which is to say, an amped up form of extreme insomnia. Apparently, having actual eyeballs, even if they don’t work well, is really important for your circadian rhythm, which is really important for your quality of life. I also developed Charles Bonnet Syndrome, which is a whole other barrel of fun. It basically means I have vivid auditory and visual hallucinations which often scare the living daylights out of me. Since I have no eyes, you might be wondering how I have visual hallucinations. I am wondering this also, but there they are, right in front of me. This is a rare disorder, only affecting a small number of those who are completely blind. There is no cure or treatment, (yay me!). Apparently, there is some confusion over whether they can be both auditory and visual. Let me dispel that little controversy- as I experience them both, on the regular.
Though I am as blind as you can possibly get, I am not blind in my mind. I dream in color, and I can see in my dreams, even though everyone in my dreams, including me, thinks I’m blind. I am aware that is ridiculous. Also, I am not blind in my mind during waking hours and most hours are waking hours, for me. I have visual memories leftover from when I had sight, but the longer I’m totally blind, my visual imagination is becoming more and more washed out.
I have battled a great deal with my disability. I am battling with it now. Having been sighted for most of my life, then going completely blind, my brain is doing some funny stuff. Since my eyes were removed, I developed non-24 disorder, which is to say, an amped up form of extreme insomnia. Apparently, having actual eyeballs, even if they don’t work well, is really important for your circadian rhythm, which is really important for your quality of life. I also developed Charles Bonnet Syndrome, which is a whole other barrel of fun. It basically means I have vivid auditory and visual hallucinations which often scare the living daylights out of me. Since I have no eyes, you might be wondering how I have visual hallucinations. I am wondering this also, but there they are, right in front of me. This is a rare disorder, only affecting a small number of those who are completely blind. There is no cure or treatment, (yay me!). Apparently, there is some confusion over whether they can be both auditory and visual. Let me dispel that little controversy- as I experience them both, on the regular.
Though I am as blind as you can possibly get, I am not blind in my mind. I dream in color, and I can see in my dreams, even though everyone in my dreams, including me, thinks I’m blind. I am aware that is ridiculous. Also, I am not blind in my mind during waking hours and most hours are waking hours, for me. I have visual memories leftover from when I had sight, but the longer I’m totally blind, my visual imagination is becoming more and more washed out.
There is something else happening, though. It is not visual imagination, but rather, a visual experience that is constant and beyond my control. It began, after both eyes were removed, as something akin to standing inside a fluorescent bulb. Then, at times, it would go dark, and I would be relieved even though I am afraid of the dark. Now, that same experience has morphed into something much, much worse. This bright white envelops me and then explodes into a catastrophe of light. It’s ablaze, like staring into the sun, painfully unable to look away. It’s luminous to the extreme, everywhere. It feels cataclysmic, my anxiety goes through the roof. When darkness finally overtakes the light, and plunges into inky blackness, I don’t get the relief hoped for anymore. The darkness is total and oppressive, even though I longed for it.
Yet, no doctor has been able to find an explanation or an answer. I remain, stuck in intense supernova or drifting through the deep dark of space. Light and dark have become my enemies, and through this constant warring, I am, The Enemy of Light and Dark.